Solo Journey

As I sat there for almost an hour in an outskirt area in Prague for a bus to Terezin a memorial for Jews and POWs who died being held prisoners in a fortress prison by Nazi regime, suddenly it hit me. Where I have reached- both figurativly as well as practically. There I was, all alone in an erstwhile communist country going to a Nazi prison. Always interested in World War-II era I had always wanted to go and see remenants of that past time. And here I was finally doing a part of it. I realized sitting there that I did not mind being alone on this journey. I was at peace.
This was also my first trip alone in a long time outside my current city and I was filled with apprehension if I would enjoy but this place (Prague) offered so much that my solo journey was fulfilling. This trip has helped me in breaking a barrier that I cannot enjoy traveling alone. This is not to say that I would not like company-traveling with someone be it with your special someone or like-minded friends is always good.
All in all Prague will remain special. A couple of times when people noticed I was alone and during course of conversation came to know that I was from India they would be surprised and comment that "its a long journey to be undertaken alone". I would just smile but in my head my reply would be "you bet this has been a long journey indeed"!

Trying to be fair

Its tough being fair in a relationship even if thats the choice you have made knowingly and whole-heartedly. I face this dilemma often and the tug-of-war between my adult side and the child side is constant. The fact that it will be so easy to give in and just be oblivious to everything else other than what I want, what I need, what will make me happy or in this case what will not hurt me- is tempting. This- "being fair" is so tough- it is draining. More so when you have to keep a straight face or a normal tone of voice masking the churn going inside you, forgive and forget quickly-bounce back to normal. You just want to burst out and let the other person see how actually you are feeling- even lash out sometime.

My promise is not to be unreasonable but what if you are feeling that the definition of "unreasonableness" has been expanded to include a bit more than I bargained for. I guess this is the real test of my proud stance that I am above petty expectations.

I do not know what bothers me exactly - there is no logice behind how I feel and that is why it is hard to defend but the way I feel is strong enough to not be ignores simply because they are there lashing at me. And I? I stand there like a lone pillar with the waves of all negative emotions hitting me hard and directly so. It will be so easy to just bend down and let these waves tides over me.

Packing....

Started cleaning and segregating stuff for packing away at around 7pm and now it is almost 10 pm and I am not even 30% done. I am exhausted-not so much from the physical effort as the emotional drain out. I hate packing and shifting unless it means just throwing all the stuff in a box/carton or a briefcase and taking it to the next destination.

Its the sifting through all the things to decide which ones to throw away and which ones to keep that kills me. This is more difficult if there are 3-4 types of categories to put the things into- like what do I need for next 6 months and what'll I need only after that. Good-to-have, need-to-have and so on.

As you take out each cloth, paper, CD or card- countless memories come rushing in and weighing on you more than the thing in your hand itself. Bitter-sweet memories but the after-feeling is always a kind of sadness emanating from the awareness that the thing in your hand signifies a past which has gone by never to return again. The persons, places or events connected to those things may not exist anymore or at least maynot be connected to your life anymore but the thought that at some time they were important to you and not anymore arouses a feeling of despondency. An old pitcure-do I keep it? A 7-yr old card-do I throw it? A long forgotten record of monthly calculation of expenses abandoned in between- why did I start doing it and why did I leave suddenly? An old ticket-reminding of a nice holiday-when will I be able to go back to that place again?

I hate these junctures in life though I admit these provide opportunities to spring clean one's life and brain's hard drive.