Reality Shots

Reality is all around us and most of the time our instinct is to escape it. We find it apparently boring, mundane, depressing and ordinary too. Probably I am not different in that sense except when I am behind a camera. Then “reality” is the only thing of beauty or joy I experience. Life as it is happening, breathing- non –committal- its neither happy nor sad. Its just there for the lens to capture. And if you stare hard enough you might discover something. In photography we talk about “perspective” quite a lot. Perhaps this is what I am trying to highlight but in a different way.

I have started to see a pattern in how I deal with personal issues especially relationship related. First reaction is always a disbelief-when-stabbed kinda feeling. Everything becomes numb and only one question circles around "how could this be happening to me?'. This is followed by a stage when the mind and heart starts turning that initial one liner into a sort of epic tragedy- with some props like appropriate music. And then an intense self instropection and questionning session starts trying to find answers or explaination. Mostly of course its a self-dialogue. This is the time when mind starts taking over the heart- which I dont like always and eventually a epic story in the making dies a lacklustre death. Mind wins by hammering the thought that nothing matters..nothing will so dont make a big deal about it...there are more bigger real issues to tackle. And apparently I come out of the experience but I have an inkling it is not so innocent or straightforward as it seems (even to me). I think it somehow adds up till an overpowering wall of numbness builds up and before you realise- something dies down.

Solo Journey

As I sat there for almost an hour in an outskirt area in Prague for a bus to Terezin a memorial for Jews and POWs who died being held prisoners in a fortress prison by Nazi regime, suddenly it hit me. Where I have reached- both figurativly as well as practically. There I was, all alone in an erstwhile communist country going to a Nazi prison. Always interested in World War-II era I had always wanted to go and see remenants of that past time. And here I was finally doing a part of it. I realized sitting there that I did not mind being alone on this journey. I was at peace.
This was also my first trip alone in a long time outside my current city and I was filled with apprehension if I would enjoy but this place (Prague) offered so much that my solo journey was fulfilling. This trip has helped me in breaking a barrier that I cannot enjoy traveling alone. This is not to say that I would not like company-traveling with someone be it with your special someone or like-minded friends is always good.
All in all Prague will remain special. A couple of times when people noticed I was alone and during course of conversation came to know that I was from India they would be surprised and comment that "its a long journey to be undertaken alone". I would just smile but in my head my reply would be "you bet this has been a long journey indeed"!

Trying to be fair

Its tough being fair in a relationship even if thats the choice you have made knowingly and whole-heartedly. I face this dilemma often and the tug-of-war between my adult side and the child side is constant. The fact that it will be so easy to give in and just be oblivious to everything else other than what I want, what I need, what will make me happy or in this case what will not hurt me- is tempting. This- "being fair" is so tough- it is draining. More so when you have to keep a straight face or a normal tone of voice masking the churn going inside you, forgive and forget quickly-bounce back to normal. You just want to burst out and let the other person see how actually you are feeling- even lash out sometime.

My promise is not to be unreasonable but what if you are feeling that the definition of "unreasonableness" has been expanded to include a bit more than I bargained for. I guess this is the real test of my proud stance that I am above petty expectations.

I do not know what bothers me exactly - there is no logice behind how I feel and that is why it is hard to defend but the way I feel is strong enough to not be ignores simply because they are there lashing at me. And I? I stand there like a lone pillar with the waves of all negative emotions hitting me hard and directly so. It will be so easy to just bend down and let these waves tides over me.

Packing....

Started cleaning and segregating stuff for packing away at around 7pm and now it is almost 10 pm and I am not even 30% done. I am exhausted-not so much from the physical effort as the emotional drain out. I hate packing and shifting unless it means just throwing all the stuff in a box/carton or a briefcase and taking it to the next destination.

Its the sifting through all the things to decide which ones to throw away and which ones to keep that kills me. This is more difficult if there are 3-4 types of categories to put the things into- like what do I need for next 6 months and what'll I need only after that. Good-to-have, need-to-have and so on.

As you take out each cloth, paper, CD or card- countless memories come rushing in and weighing on you more than the thing in your hand itself. Bitter-sweet memories but the after-feeling is always a kind of sadness emanating from the awareness that the thing in your hand signifies a past which has gone by never to return again. The persons, places or events connected to those things may not exist anymore or at least maynot be connected to your life anymore but the thought that at some time they were important to you and not anymore arouses a feeling of despondency. An old pitcure-do I keep it? A 7-yr old card-do I throw it? A long forgotten record of monthly calculation of expenses abandoned in between- why did I start doing it and why did I leave suddenly? An old ticket-reminding of a nice holiday-when will I be able to go back to that place again?

I hate these junctures in life though I admit these provide opportunities to spring clean one's life and brain's hard drive.

Life is

I have never been so scared- maybe I have been. But since the current experience or situation in one's life is always of such dramatic proportion that I think right now I am the most scared that I have ever been.

I am afraid to think beyond the next couple of months. Earlier also I never thought long term but that was solely out of my choice but now it is more of a compulsion or the circumstances have put me in such a position that I am plain simple afraid of thinking long term.

But often I ask myself what is that I want or long for? What do I want from life? Do I have to wait for it to hand me out whatever it has to give me- whether or not it makes me happy but then what is REAL happiness? Will I ever find out? Does anyone ever find out? Does it really matter? Sometimes I think life owes me this and that. Now does it really? Isnt it enough that life is....period. That I am alive? That I am breathing and I am not opposite of 'being alive'. Magar ye bhi koi jeena hai lallu...Zindagi mere ghar aana...aana Zindagi...

Gym alone?

Many people ask me how can I like gymming alone? They themselves have to push themselves for doing it. Firstly, something as boring as exercise and then that too alone!

I had always liked gymming alone. Even though a couple of times some friend would be there but eventually you have to do your own stuff and just maybe talk to each other once in a while.

Gymming or exercising alone brings to me a chance to get in touch with myself without any other distractions. If you see rest of the day- in office, at home- you are surrounded by voices. of people, from television, laptop, even the appliances! Slowly, I think most of us have become unused or are even scared of a noiseless, quite and lone time alone. We depend on an aid constantly- a TV, music, book, laptop, mobile…to give us that comfort feeling that we are not alone.

I can agree that one cannot be alone for too long but at least a couple of hours in a day should be there when one can retreat back inside oneself and just talk to one’s mind, heart, soul & body. The 1.5 hours I spend in gym does that for me. Surrounded by strangers- nobody to talk to- I am on my own. While exercising I focus not only on the actions but the thoughts. I assure my body that I do not take it for granted, that I want to take care of it in return of the services/ capabilities it is providing me. I know it will sound weird but lots of articles and studies do say that most of the modern day illnesses are stress related and can be taken care if we just focus on ourselves, take sometime out to care for our body. It is kind of a meditation.

There are interim periods when I am irregular and stop exercising and over a period of time I get to see the repercussions not only bodily but also mentally.

Its always a good feeling for me to shut everything out and just be with myself, think about things which are perhaps occupying my mind- many times even sorting them out., be thankful of this life, good health, stable mind :) and then I am back again, to have conversations and get in touch with my friends & loved ones.

It’s a way for me to have a balance.